Fear and Hope

A friend of mine moved from Ilopango (San Salvador) back to our sleepy pueblo (San Luis del Carmen) about three years ago. He left a secure job, friends and family in Ilopango for numerous reasons. He was 22 at the time and at every street corner he was facing the real possibilities of gang violence and threats. I recognize that this story is not uncommon, it is in fact the norm. A few months ago he told me that if he wouldn't have left he would have had to join one of the maras, each and every one of his friends had to make the same type of choice. Not everyone had a way out like he did. All of his former friends are now gang members or have died as a result of gang violence. 

In Chalatenango he found a secure job and has been living relatively threat-free in our pueblito for the last three years. One morning this week, he didn't go to work. Recognizing this behavior as extremely rare for him, I asked him why. He didn't tell me right away, all he could tell me was that he wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was sick, and he said no. He told me he didn't feel well inside, as he touched his hand to his heart. Later that morning, while we were having breakfast at the comedor, he confided in me. And what he told me brought me to the point of tears and an overwhelming sadness and frustration to my heart.

He had been coming back from work the previous evening when a young girl from one of the cantónes struck up a conversation with him. As they hadn't spoken for a long time, they naturally chit-chatted about what was new and how life was going. This young girl is now studying to be a nurse at the local university, which in her case, is nothing short of a miracle. A year a ago this month, her boyfriend (a gang member) was murdered as a result of gang violence in a massacre. She had acompañar-ed and was not going to finish her last year of Bachillerato, but with her boyfriend's death, she was set free. 

The conversation turned serious, and she began to get nervous. She told my friend that a year ago his life was in serious danger. Her boyfriend assumed that my friend was involved in the rival gang, and had started talking about "taking care" of this threat to their territory. The young girl says that she defended my friend's reputation and that others in town were affirming his non-participation in gangs of any kind. 

At this point, my friend stopped eating his breakfast covered it with his napkin and put it on the table next to him. Staring intently at the table, he took a few deep breaths. I asked him if he was full, because he had barely eaten anything. He told me that he didn't want to eat, his stomach wasn't upset. I realized how serious this was affecting him, and all of a sudden I couldn't finish my breakfast either. 

Shortly after these threats surfaced, the massacre occurred and the unwelcome visitors to my town were murdered. I highlighted this fact, that all of those who were threatening to hurt him were gone. I asked if he was still scared. He thought for a moment and then he looked at me with pain in his eyes and tells me (in spanish), "No, it's not that I am really scared. But what if they would have killed me? And for what?" He was shocked that all of this had happened without him knowing the real danger he was in. 

My friend up-rooted his life to get away from these threats. And three years later this hard-working young man was sitting in front of me, frustrated and hurting. Close to tears, sick to his stomach with anxiety. Fearing his life, fearing what might have become of him. Thinking of how much pain that would have caused his mother. 

At times I want to scream and yell and throw things. I often weep for the injustice in the world that causes others to go through so much at such a young age. When I was 22, I was in my third year of college. I worked hard to get there. When my friend was 22 he was running away from gang violence and inevitable recruitment. He is 25 and still running.

I don't know when or if things will change for the better for the majority of youth in this country, but I do know that my view of gangs and urban violence both in ES and the US has changed dramatically. In their actions I see evil, hate, and greed, but I also see pain, desperation, and loneliness. No legislation can cure this sort of desperation. No amount of drugs or money will satisfy the emptiness they feel. It is natural to feel frustrated and helpless in a world filled with so much pain. However, I feel blessed. After looking into this young man's eyes, and seeing the hurt there, I know there is hope. I know there are people like him who will continue to fight for the right to live their lives without violence and fear. 

In the mean time, I am a Peace Corps Volunteer. I am here to listen, to console, and to be his friend. I want to be the one encouraging him to grow as a person and to keep making the right decisions. There is a great many things in this world that we can not control, however what we can do, is choose to love other people with all that we have without expecting anything in return. We can make each other laugh in order to take the edge off of the pain. We can stand hand-in-hand with our peers, our friends, our brothers and sisters throughout the world... hoping, praying, and taking action to create a better world for all of our children.