You say I am blessed

Pain is a forest we all get lost in, between the branches hope can be so hard to see

And in the darkness we've all got questions,

We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering

but you say I am blessed because of this, so I choose to believe.

As I carry this cross, you'll carry me.

-Audrey Assad

It has been a long month of being lost in the forest of pain. I have 8 months left in the Peace Corps and so much to get done. At every turn there is an obstacle to overcome, and sometimes it is my very own apathy.

How do I get motivated to help people who do not want to help themselves?

This must be the eternal question of aid workers and other NGOs. Seriously, it is mind-boggling. I read about this in my books in school, but I never thought that my community’s apathy would be contagious. I find myself angry with them because they don't care what happens to their children. They don't care what happens to the lake that provides the fish for their dinner. Somedays I think I am the only one in this whole place that cares. Carrying all of them is exhausting, and it has changed me. I am not supposed to carry them. They are supposed to WANT to develop. They are supposed to WANT to work for a better life. They are supposed to work TOGETHER to make a better future for their children. But really all they care about is buying soda and candy for their kids, who then throw the wrappers on the ground, which then are washed into the lake by the rain.

They complain about the problems, but refuse to work to solve them.

So sometimes I don't want to get out of my hammock to help them. Sometimes I don't want to talk to them. Sometimes their apathy infuriates me.

But then I feel guilty. What kind of person gets mad at poor people? What kind of person blames them for their own situation? That is not the person I was raised to be, and that is not the person that I am. But that is just how contagious apathy and negativity can be.

The correct response is to take on their burden, because I am strong enough to bear it. The correct response is not to blame the poor person, but the unequal system that allowed them to work so hard and yet be so poor. The correct response is to suck it up, because I am the privileged one.

I learn a great deal from my friends in the Peace Corps. My friend Jared was explaining the concept of community organization to the new trainees, and I sat in on his presentation. It was at a particular bitter point of my service. He showed a picture of a woman from his community and asked us “who is she?” Well, he then explained she was the president of the community advisory board, and the the health promotor. He then said “If you asked HER who she was she would tell you, 'I am a mother of 10, a grandmother of 4 and a wife.'” Then you would ask her “aren't you the president of the community advisory board and the health promoter?” and she would smile and say “oh ya, that too, I guess.”

Who I think she is and who she thinks she is are the same person, yet with drastically different priorities. I am the Peace Corps Volunteer. It is my job and my identity. Her job as a health promotor is such a small part of her identity that she barely mentions it, and I expect her to dedicate all of her time to that job, just like I dedicate my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer. However that just isn't reality. I am truly thankful for my friend Jared for reminding me that my expectations of the people in my community were wildly out of whack.

So where does this leave me? It reminds me that people do care about the development in their community, they do care about the future of their children, they do care about how dirty the lake is. However, those things are not at the top of their priority list. Today, she needs to make tortillas for her family and the visitors. Today, her child is sick and must be taken to the clinic. Today she is tired because she has been up since four milking the cows and she doesn't want to come to my meeting.

So, I am working myself out of the anger towards the people in my community. And I am still working on the apathy. But I could use some prayers. Their burdens are heavy, and I just want to help them carry a little bit. But some days I'm not strong enough to carry my own.

Keep spreading the love around,

Chelsita

Post Script:

You have all heard it said, “Give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” However it is important to remember, especially when in 'the giving out fish and teaching how to fish business' that it's not enough to teach a man to fish. We must ask who owns the pond? Who put the fence up around the pond? And who is contaminating it? -Paraphrased from Shane Claiborne

I know your promises are faithful,

I have seen your goodness in my life

I've found your mercy is a river, your love is an ocean wide.

And you say, I am blessed because of this.

You get glory in the midst of this, and you're walking with me.

You say I am blessed because of this so I choose to believe.

That as I carry this cross, you'll carry me.

-Audrey Assad

Good News Update: (1)A week after finishing this blog I received an $800 grant to complete an efficient stoves project in my community. No more black lungs, no more deforestation! (2) Two weeks after finishing this blog I found out that I won a $360 grant to help replace the roof on my school, no more leaky lectures!