Lord, I bet you get exhausted trying to communicate with me. But when I finally hear you, you must throw a party. When I hear you, the path in front of me turns to gold. When it is your plan, I have no fear. In one breath, you take away the worry and the doubt. I don't know how long you have been trying to get me to listen, but you tried every angle. I am a difficult woman to convince. Lord, help the man who ends up with me. It was there all along. You knew it all along. But I had to make it there myself, and now that I have made it, now that I see what you were pointing at all the time, I get what the hype was all about. It's like you wanted to take me on a hike to only you know where. And I complained the whole way. I stopped to rest, I wandered off, all along asking you to get me to the end faster. And then you finally convinced me to climb up to the top, you finally convinced me to look out beyond my own two feet. You were leading me to the top so that I could see the expansive universe that you have laid out for me. If I could just look up and away from where I was walking and instead to where you were leading me, I could have gotten here a lot sooner. I can't believe you put up with me, seriously. I was exhausted, drained, and apathetic. I took all the energy I had left, and I got to where you wanted me to be.
That is when it dawned on me, that you were leading me to the end of my path and the beginning of yours. When I was out of it, completely drained, you took me to the edge only to show me the next challenge you have for me is that much greater. But as I look out at what you are showing me, I feel like I am being recharged by your powerful spirit. I am experiencing an incredible renewal. I have new motivations to prepare myself for the journey ahead. This is the clearest I have seen the next step in my life since the day that I made the decision to join the Peace Corps. However this mission is not for 2 years, that was a trial. This mission is for a lifetime. I feel incredibly heavy with responsibility to now be the woman you have been preparing me to be. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and shaking to my core. I am afraid that I will let you down, and the thought breaks me inside. You have been preparing me for this day, the day that you would show me your plans for my life. I have been praying for direction, and for guidance, and you have been giving it to me all along. I know now when you spoke to me. It is all so incredibly clear. I am learning now to know when you are near. When I have no clue, but somehow feel sure. When I am vulnerable, but yet feel safe. And when you speak through the people that I love, that one sentence that one piece of advice that hits me like a truck. That one thing I should have seen all along. When those words come from their mouths, I know that you have placed them there.
You thought I was ready to see what you had in store for me. It is a brilliant sight. It is staggering. I am so sure of what I saw, that I can't sleep at night because I am awake dreaming of the life that you showed me. I am jumping up and down in side with anticipation. I am too excited to sleep. I am humbled to be a part of your plan. I am crying and dancing in a torrential downpour... with your vision for me on the horizon. I am in awe. You showed me that you are preparing for me the support I need. You are preparing the resources. You have got it handled.
That hike was horrible, it almost killed me. But you were patient and encouraging and a true shepherd. So I am getting ready. I am following your lead. Because I hear you now. I am finally on your wave length. I saw your vision for me in the night. I know that hope comes in the morning, and when the sun comes up, I will be traveling your way.
Keep spreading the love around...
Chels
Post Script: Special Recognition to the people who God spoke through to get me here. My Dad who freaked OUT about the cost of graduate school, and asked me if there were any cheaper options. My friend Amanda who told me that the Lord gave me special gifts, and that he wouldn't do that unless he was going to use them. To the Peace Corps for their comprehensive graduate school list that has been like a supplement to my bible. To my friend Clayton for coming to visit me and encouraging me and providing sound advice. My friend Tyler who has been a great source of inspiration for graduate school and has let me learn from his regrets. To Amos Lee for speaking truth to my heart with his powerful lyrics. To Shane Claiborne and John Perkins for making me read their whole book* on leadership and community development before I understood. To Rob Bell for being a badass and challenging the status-quo and being so revolutionary as to tell people that Love just might win, and God gets to do whatever he wants. And to someone else who has absolutely no idea that God is using him in my life. Finally, To my journal for filling up this week, just in time for me to start the next one with the vision the Lord has provided.
*Follow Me to Freedom by Shane Claiborne & John Perkins
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